


I Miss You

by maia_smith



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2018-11-08 19:48:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11088696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maia_smith/pseuds/maia_smith
Summary: Isak and Even break up due to a jealous misunderstanding.  Even is not giving up a second time after a chance meeting.





	1. Chapter 1

Isak watched from across the room as Even and Mikael sat at the bar and talked for the first time in nearly a year. They both seemed deeply affected by the conversation. The dimming daylight filtered through the front window bathing them in a glow. Isak’s stomach clenched in a combination of jealousy and fear. It seemed everyone else knew about the thing with Mikael, the whole story of what happened except him, he was left out in the dark and it hurt.

  
Isak felt betrayed by Sana for purposely keeping him in the dark but also anger sparked at Even for not trusting him despite having been through the trauma of a bi-polar episode with him. They were lovers but the thing with Mikael was building a wall between them. He’d tried more than once to draw Even out only to be rebuffed.

  
He hadn’t wanted to go out but Even insisted that all their friends were going. As soon as he saw Mikael he suspected Even had another reason but why not tell him? It seemed dishonest. Once they got to the place they were greeted heartily, back slaps all around. Even made a bee-line for the bar where Mikael sat without so much as a glance back. The two exchanged a firm hug.

  
Isak feared that Even’s feelings for Mikael might be deeper than for him. Something had gone down between them and it had meant a lot otherwise the secrecy made no sense. Even hadn’t once searched the room for him tonight so how important could he be? Usually he could feel the pull of Even’s eyes on him but not this night. Feeling ignored and isolated, he noted his friends had gravitated to tables beers in hand engaged in meaningless chatter. No one waved him over although he’d never needed an invitation before.

  
Isak was in love and until lately as happy as could be. In fact, their lives were both exciting and mundane as is to be expected from a committed couple. After the fight with Elias things were different; he felt excluded. Even still showed him affection and their loving was as good as it gets yet, there was a new distance. Was it he who created this change because of his need to know?

  
Sick at heart and consumed by jealousy and a deep loneliness he hadn’t felt until recently, he left the bar walking idly with no destination in mind. He really didn’t want to go back to their place with his emotions so out of control. He did not want a confrontation with Even. No good could come from that. He texted a message to Even saying he had left the bar on his way home although he wasn’t. No response came.

  
Is this what heartbreak felt like? Was this the end of the story for their romance? He trusted Even or he wanted to but then he thought about Sonja and how easily he gave her up. He was sorry for mouthing off at Mikael and he paid for it with a bloody nose. Even hadn’t seemed overly upset but maybe he cared more than he let on, jealousy is an ugly emotion; it was infecting every pore of his being.

  
Isak came upon a small bar, it looked nearly empty and very quiet, moody jazz played over the sound system, the perfect place to sulk. He ordered a beer at the bar then sat at the furthest table so shrouded in darkness it was hard to see that anyone sat there. He nursed his beer as he thought through the night’s events. Had he over reacted? This wouldn’t be the first time.

  
No one had missed him; his phone hadn’t pinged once.

***  
He texted Jonas who was at the bar with the gang, letting him know where he was. He needed someone to talk to but clearly, Jonas was having way too much fun to respond.

  
Isak thought back over his relationship with Even, how fast everything had developed from crush to sex to crisis to living together. He was only 18, maybe that was part of the problem. Even was three years’ his senior, far more sophisticated, ready to move on to Uni where he would be surrounded by peers his own age rather than a needy child.

  
Isak bent his head and assessed his chances of keeping Even; slim to none. Maybe tonight was the first sign.  
The waitress sidled by and dropped a coaster in front of him. Isak signaled a second round.

  
“Are you waiting on a friend?” She inquired, lovely long blonde curls tossed over her bare shoulders. If he was into women she would be right up his alley, but alas, he only fell for tall blonde men.

  
“Yes, he should be here soon,” he lied but she got the message giving him a dimpled smile.

  
“Shall I set another place?”

  
“Please.” Isak responded briefly raising his brow wondering at what kind of game he was playing.

  
She placed two beers on the table and smiled at him moving to another table now crowded with an older set likely in their forties. They formed a shield between him and the front door so he couldn’t see anyone who approached.

  
How could he be so insecure in his relationship with Even? It all revolved around the mystery of Mikael and why Even refused to discuss him. Maybe this was his sign that they weren’t going to work out for the long haul. They didn’t argue, enjoyed a pleasant life for the most part, he supported Even in his low moments but what about him? When did Even think about his needs?

  
Why couldn’t Even see how affected Isak was by his inability to open up about Mikael? Did it not matter or was he oblivious to the harm it was causing him? Or was Isak just a needy whiner? Isak drank down the first of the two beers in front of him slightly chagrined as the waitress looked over sympathetically.

  
He tried to talk to Even but he was closed on this subject. OK then, Isak would need to make a decision, could he live with the silence or would it continue to poison his feelings for Even and cloud their relationship. Did Even have a clue of the effect? He doubted it. Maybe that was the answer; Even didn’t care enough for it to matter to him.

  
He reached across the table for the second beer only to have a hand move it out of his grasp.

  
Jonas.

  
He was surprised to see him actually show up and it evoked many deep feelings going back years. The only surety in his life was his bond with Jonas. He gritted back tears and hung his head just in case his eyes glimmered too brightly.

  
“I got your text. I’m puzzled why you’re here when your boyfriend is back at the bar with the rest of us.” Jonas kept his scrutiny tight on Isak who could barely make eye contact.

  
“I’m fucked up, Jonas that’s why I’m here.” Isak kept his head down staring into the empty glass.

  
The waitress slipped a beer in front of Isak. “Finally, your boyfriend arrives!” She winked at Jonas who eyed her quizzically then turned to Isak.

  
“Were you expecting Even?”

  
“No that was her assumption, sorry!” He huffed a fake laugh wondering whether it was time to wrap this wreck of a night up.

  
“Even isn’t coming, he’s with Mikael and I didn’t want to sit there and watch them together.”

  
“You’re fucking jealous of their relationship, aren’t you?”

  
“I didn’t know there was a relationship so thanks for confirming. Even has been shady about it so it’s good to know I’m not a paranoid fuck.”

  
“You idiot, Mikael is Even’s best buddy, not his lover! I know a lot of shit has happened that you don’t know about but trust me, it’s like you and me, best buds.”

  
“Then why can’t he talk to me about it?? Why the big fucking mystery??” Isak felt his chest tighten, no one understood that he was fighting.

  
“If everyone but me knows I must not matter, I’ve been thinking tonight I should just leave since talking hasn’t made a difference. I have a feeling he won’t come after me.”

  
Isak drained his third beer and slapped the glass down. He caught the waitress’ eye and he paid the tab overriding Jonas’ protest.

  
They scraped back their chairs and left the bar together.

  
“Has he texted you?”

  
“No, not once tonight.”

  
“Maybe he’s pissed.”

  
“Why would he be? He has everything he wants.” Isak said petulantly.

  
“Except you.” Jonas said tiredly.

  
“I don't think that's true anymore. For my own sanity, I need to know the whole story. I’m sick of being a victim of his secrecy! So what if he has feelings for Mikael, at least I'm owed the truth rather than silence! I feel like such a loser.”

  
Isak yawned. “I’m tired. Can I stay at your place tonight?”

  
“As long as Even knows where you are.” Jonas held out his phone. Isak pushed it away. Jonas quickly texted someone, probably Even.

  
“Why would he care, he can’t even tell me the straight story! I feel like the fool where everyone knows the story but me! Maybe he needs to call me, I’m done with this bullshit!”

Jonas sighed, "You know, Even is not required to tell you everything about his past, Isak" 

"True," Isak responded, leaning up against Jonas as they meandered home. "If so many others do know yet I'm purposefully kept in the dark he must not trust me or care enough about me."

"That's enough self-pity for one night my friend, you're drunk."

***

Isak sank into the pillows of Jonas’ spare room, a place he spent many days, months, years over the course of their friendship, including when he had a serious crush on his best buddy. That was then but the comfort of this bed brought sleep quickly.

  
The bed dipped, and a familiar weight nestled next to him in the wrong bed. Isak reached out to pull him closer, until he could engulf him within himself. He cried in his sleep, begging for Even to love him as he loved Even. Arms shook around him pulling him tight within his grasp whispering; “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I love you.”

***  
Isak awoke alone. His dreams had been especially vivid. They resolved nothing. It was early, he decided not to hang around and mess with anyone else’s mojo.

  
He sent one text to Even, _You don’t love me, it's clear to see so I’m moving out, I need to respect myself._

  
Isak dragged himself from under the covers of Jonas spare bed, brushed himself off and wondering whether he was in his right mind. Deciding he wasn’t he knocked on Jonas bedroom door for a second opinion.  
Jonas groaned as Isak curled into the bed next to him.

  
“I think Even stayed here last night but he left before I woke up. He can’t care for me if he just wants to sleep with me, but leaves me with no answers. Oh God, Jonas, sorry to bother you, I’m leaving soon.”

  
***

  
“I have to go home to our place but I’m afraid of the consequences.“

  
“What, is Even going to beat the shit out of you? In that case should I call the police??” Said Jonas

  
“Even doesn’t care for me, but we have an apartment together, at least for the next six months.

  
I just need to get my clothes.”

  
“Where are you going then?”

  
“Maybe back home with my mom, I don’t have many options.”

  
“Have you talked to Even?” “Not until he starts talking to me.”

  
***

  
Isak checked his phone. A few texts from Jonas, one from his mom, otherwise nothing. No texts from the one man he loved. It was an answer to his question. He asked Jonas to pull together some boxes so he could get his stuff out of their apartment. He begged Jonas to do the dirty work for him. The thought of going back to their apartment was unbearable.  
Jonas showed up at his mom’s place with a paltry collection of boxes.

  
“Even says this is all the shit he has of yours, quote, unquote”

“Lovely” I can already tell half my shit is missing. Do I need to take him to court?”

  
“Do you want to?”

  
“No, I just don’t care enough to fight this battle.” Isak rolls over and pulls a comforter around himself.  
Jonas pats his cocooned body and leaves him lying in the middle of his family living room, half tucked under the coffee table.

  
***

  
It was strange how suddenly he and Even went from being a couple to being strangers. He bore some responsibility given his conditions but Even never responded, as if he was nothing. As if he was in the wrong. No words, just silence, drowning in nothingness.

  
Isak decided he had to leave. He had received no answers from his supposed man. Maybe distance will clear his young brain after all he was only 18. He accepted the University of California Berkeley admission. Maybe life would heal his wounds.

  
End Part l


	2. Chapter 2

**Even**

Even entered the bar with a reluctant Isak.  Isak would have preferred to stay in but Even loved the raucous bar scene and engaging with people much more than his boyfriend did.

He looked up and instantly saw Mikael.  He turned to look at Isak whose eyes were also on Mikael but his expression spoke volumes.

Even was sick of Isak’s jealous probing into their friendship.  It was no different than he and Jonas but Isak couldn’t see that because of their past and the rumors, mostly untrue that followed them. Even made a game of avoiding the discussion just to see Isak’s reaction.  In retrospect, it was a mean thing to play on Isak’s insecurity and cost him everything.

He dropped Isak’s hand and made straight for his old buddy, Mikael embracing him heartily.

They drank beers and exchanged stories about their common friends now that the gang was back together after a painful year of estrangement during which time he had met and fallen in love with Isak.  Isak was never a part of this Bakka group hence, his discomfort and lack of knowledge about their history.  He could have been but chose to remain distant or maybe Even didn’t really include him for his own reasons.

Even’s phone buzzed once.  It was Isak.  He said he was leaving to go home which angered Even.  Why couldn’t he just stay and enjoy himself with his friends? He scanned the crowd and found no sign of Isak.

Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi were sat together at a table clearly engaged in a ribald conversation.  There was an empty chair but no Isak.  Even, frustrated, turned his phone off and continued his conversation with Mikael, getting progressively drunker.  He knew drinking was a bad idea but Isak wasn’t here to regulate him, well fuck him and his jealousy.  More and more he was reminded of Sonja and her controlling behavior.

Soon Youssef and Adam joined them and the fun evening progressed.  Youssef and Adam danced to the music not caring who saw which delighted Even.  Isak was not top of mind for Even, he’d talk to him tonight when he returned home.  Mikael asked about Isak;

“So, where’s your boyfriend?”  Even shrugged his shoulders.

“He left to go home” Even started to worry.

“Why do you never bring him around us, I heard he’s a pretty cool guy when not inciting fights!” Even laughed, “Yes, he’s pretty amazing most days.  I’ll bring him around soon.  Right now, we might be in a rough patch” He was beginning to regret not bringing Isak over with him to actually talk to Mikael rather than leave him on his own to wonder about the boy.

“I knew he was too good for you” Mikael kidded.  Suddenly all the fun had gone out of the evening.

Youssef pulled Even up to dance and despite being pretty drunk he managed not to stumble and make a fool of himself.  He was a good head taller than most of the dancers and watched the Boy Squad table as he danced, Isak’s absence on his mind again.  Jonas was looking at his phone with a frown then glanced towards Even with a serious expression. He got up from his chair and said goodbye to his friends with fist bumps.  Jonas took once last glance back in Even’s direction then left the bar.

Even was tempted to follow Jonas because his gut told him it would lead right to Isak but he decided to stay at the bar with his friends.  He turned his phone on to numerous texts, none from Isak since the one earlier in the evening.  He was missing Isak now and wanted his touch.

He ordered another beer and watched his drunk friends singing bad karaoke and swaying in each other’s arms. He was feeling the liquor and dared not stand until the alcohol wore off.  He asked the bartender for a glass of water.  He drank it down and asked for another.

His phone buzzed.  It was from Jonas: “ _Even, Isak is staying at my place tonight. I found him drunk in some dive bar. Dude, you guys need to get your shit together and talk!”_

His heart was beating rapidly.  Isak didn’t go home, he went off by himself and got drunk and he doesn’t want to go home because of him, Even, the bad boyfriend.  Shit!! What had he done??

Even practically ran to Jonas’ place knocking lightly on the door.  Jonas answered like he was expecting him.

“Can I talk to him?” Even huffed, out of breath, puffs of steam emanating from his mouth from the freezing air. His nose was red from cold and crying.

“I think he’s asleep but you can go check.”  Jonas moved aside to let him in and clicked the door shut behind him.  Even knew which room Isak slept in as they had spent many nights here together in this place. 

He quietly turned the knob opening the door only slightly so that the hall light wouldn’t overly brighten the room and closed it quickly as he slid in. He stood with his back to the door looking at the lump in the bed. 

Isak was deeply asleep probably passed out drunk more likely.  He snored lightly and Even’s heart clenched in pain.  He had done this, he had made his lover so sad he had driven him away. He might never get to curl up next to Isak to touch him again, to make love so sweetly the way only Isak could.  He hated himself.

Even climbed into the bed behind Isak, nuzzling the short hairs at the nape of his neck. Isak stirred and turned in his arms grasping at Even, crying his name, begging him to love him. Even was crying uncontrollably.

“God Isak, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I love you”. He held tightly to Isak fearing this was the last time.  Soon he fell asleep and almost forgot what had happened. He woke with a start, it was still dark which meant he hadn’t slept long. 

He wanted to stay, maybe talk things out but he feared Isak wouldn’t be receptive so he kissed his sweet face, got out of bed and left. He was spiraling into depression and didn’t want Isak to deal with his mental health issues along with everything else.

He didn’t sleep well curled up in Isak’s comforter, everything smelled of him.  Tomorrow, if he could get out of bed he would talk to him.

He was making himself a light breakfast the next morning when his phone buzzed.

He received a text from Isak: “ _You don’t love me, I’m moving out, I need to respect myself”._ Nothing could be further from the truth, he loved Isak but he had caused him so much pain, better to let him heal.

The more Even thought about it he realized he hadn’t treated Isak as if he was the most important thing in his life when he truly was with the Mikael situation. Why did he hurt Isak so deeply that he felt no choice but to leave him?

Nothing would have been lost by opening up to his boyfriend as there was no great reveal.  He just didn’t feel like it.  So, he teased him like he would a kitten holding a piece of string just out of reach.  What did it say about him as a person that he did this to someone he deeply loved?

He was feeling pretty bitter when Jonas showed up with some boxes to collect Isak’s things.  There were a few items including Isak’s big grey hoodie and the Christ shirt he couldn’t part with.  He kept the comforter too and the blue pillow.

“This is all the shit I have of his.”  Even thrust a box forward as Jonas raised an eyebrow spying Isak’s red snapback hanging from a hook by the front door but he kept silent, lips thinned.

Even clearly had been crying.

“So, what’s he going to do?” Even voice broke slightly as if he had no right to ask.

“He’s back at his mom’s for now, she’s doing much better so, he’s not so stressed about being there. It’s short term before he leaves for California in the US.” Even’s heart beat faster the split finally becoming real, there was no chance of reconciliation if he was going 7,000 miles away.

“Why so far?”

“He’s a genius as you know and got accepted to UC Berkeley Bio-Chem program, Pre-Med.”

“He always wanted to be a doctor.”  Even sighed remembering how he teased Isak for being so serious about his schoolwork.”

“Yeah,” said Jonas, eyes focused on Even. “You hurt him, otherwise he would have stayed here. You lost a good man.

Even was overcome.  His stupidity and stubbornness had hurt Isak so deeply that he needed to put an ocean between them to heal.  He felt himself sinking deep into despair.  This was going to be a bad one.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been nearly a year since I updated for various reasons including getting stuck on how to continue. After much thought I've recommitted to the story. I made some minor edits to Chapter 2 in keeping the changes I want to make. I hope you enjoy.

Isak

 

Jonas was the only one to see him off, giving him a tight hug before he climbed from the car. “We’ll see you at the holidays, ya?” Jonas said softly with moist eyes.  Isak looked away.

“Um, sure…”  He tapped the roof of the car, smiled, signaling goodbye with a small wave.  He turned and without looking back at his best friend entered the terminal.

 

Isak lugged his bags through airport security, still uncertain at this point that he would actually leave.  He checked his phone waiting for a word from Even.  It was September 21, 11:10.  All he needed was a sign that Even wanted him to stay; Isak was still hurt by Even’s easy indifference at the party, maybe it _was_ all about Mikael.  Isak couldn’t help the overwhelming feelings of jealousy and loss that overcame him like a punch in the gut.  He loved Even despite everything.

 

There was a time he really thought Even loved him but lately he felt so alone.  Even reacted with subtle anger whenever Isak wanted to discuss Mikael and what he meant to Even.  What was the big deal? Isak hadn’t heard from him since that last night at Jonas’ place and they hadn’t really talked.  He pulled away ignoring Isak without formalizing their break up.

 

Isak did worry about Even’s well-being.  It did occur to him that Even could have had an episode accounting for the lack of communication.  Isak figured he could have reached out regardless, if he truly wanted to, if he truly loved Isak.

 

Isak decided he should text Even and officially break things off rather than stay in this communication limbo.  He found an isolated seat near the departure gate and sank down amidst his bags sighing heavily.

 

He unlocked his phone, scrolled to Even’s contact information and opened a text window.  His fingers hovered over the blinking character shaking slightly.  This was the moment of truth; he needed to come to some kind of closure.

 

 **_EVEN (11:30):_ ** _Even, as you might know I’m off to California, USA to attend University.  I thought I would let you know as we haven’t talked in a few weeks although I’m sure someone must have mentioned it.  This might seem silly since it’s clear we’ve broken up but I wanted to make it official.  I hope life is good to you and that you are happy and well. This last year with you has been the happiest of my life, well except for the way we ended.  I’m sorry things didn’t work out for us, maybe in another universe (ha ha)”. I’ll always love you.  Isak._

 

Isak felt the tears run down his cheeks and sniffled to clear his nose.  He found a wadded up napkin in his pocket and wiped at his face.  It was real now.  He stared at the phone, saw the bubble indicating that Even had seen his text, but there was no response.

 

It was time to board the plane; this would be his last chance to back out.  Still no word from Even.  He loaded his bags in the overhead bin and took an aisle seat in an exit row so he could stretch out his long legs. 

 

Exhaustion hit him as the stewardess began her recitation of safety procedures over the loudspeaker.  He buckled up and searched for the small pillow and blanket that are ubiquitous on long international flights.  He squirmed around a bit trying to get comfortable, earning him an annoyed glance from the woman next to him.  He was hoping he could sleep most of the way, unlikely given his chronic insomnia wishing he’d asked his physician for sleeping pills.

 

Against all odds he fell asleep.  He dreamed of Even in happier (and sadder) times

 

***

_“Eve-e-e-n” Isak moaned as his boyfriend peppered his face with kisses.  They stood in the darkened hallway just off the main room of the Kollectiv.  The Christmas party was lively, music playing softly and twinkling lights on the tree throwing off a shimmery glow.  Their friends were gathered in small groups, the murmur of conversation broken by occasional laughter. They’d been official for a few weeks publicly and it had been two months since their first kiss._

_Even shushed Isak but continued to lavish him with kisses nosing along his neck sending shivers down his spine until Isak wrapped his arms around him and pushed him towards the bedroom.  He didn’t want to put on a show for his friends just feet away._

_The two of them had fooled around with increasing intimacy.  They had been naked together but hadn’t had done the ultimate.  It was something Isak craved, to be fully one with each other.  Even was by far the more experienced and was just waiting for Isak to be ready.  Tonight could possibly be the night they fully consummated their love._

_Even slowly removed Isak’s clothing, kissing each newly exposed patch of skin eliciting hitched breaths and tiny moans from his very eager lover.  He ran his hands lovingly down Isak’s flanks then lifted him onto the bed.  Isak crawled back and reclined on his elbows gazing at Even with sparkling eyes, a deep flush covering his chest and neck._

_Even quickly disrobed and joined Isak rolling over him, pressing his body down and proceeding to kiss his lover senseless while pulling his legs apart, preparing him for the next step.  They were joined and Isak would never be the same.  His love for Even overwhelmed him._

_***_

_They were now in a park, it was sunny and warm.  Isak was giggling at something Even had said.  They were eating kebab.  Even leaned over and kissed his cheek.  “I love you babe,” he whispered._

_***_

_The room was dark even though it was early in the day.  Isak lay on top of the duvet hugging Even from behind.  Even was very still.  Isak was still aching with upset from his manic episode.  Regardless, he held onto his lover as he suffered through the depressive after effects of his bipolar condition.  It had frightened him but didn’t change his feelings._

_***_

_They were at Syng with all of their friends enjoying the karaoke.  Even was singing being heartily encouraged along by Isak, Magnus and Jonas when suddenly his face fell.  Isak sensed the change and initially attributed it to shyness not something normally associated with Even so he quickly joined him onstage to finish the tune.  He looked around and saw a group of guys unfamiliar to him but standing with Sana who was doling out hugs._

_It occurred to Isak they could be some of Even’s old Bakka friends of whom he never spoke. Isak knew of Mikael from an online video he had obsessed over when he first met Even and instantly recognized him. He had been very curious about their friendship but Even refused to speak of him. Even excused himself to the bathroom and curiosity got the best of Isak when he saw the boys make an about face and leave once they spotted Even. He followed them out._

_“Hey, do you guys know Even?”  They stopped and regarded this stranger to them._

_“You’re Mikael, right?” Mikael gave him a surprised stare but said nothing._

_“Aren’t you “best buddies?” Mikael was taken aback._

_“He’s stayed away since he went crazy.” Enraged, Isak pushed Mikael who stumbled back.  He immediately felt a punch to his face and fell to his knees blood dripping from between his fingers.  It was a chaos of bodies pushing each other until Sana came out yelling ripping them apart followed closely by Even who immediately bent to help Isak to his feet.  This was the first time Isak was jealous and no answers were forthcoming._

 

***

Isak was pulled from his dream by a light tap on his shoulder.

 

“Would you like a beverage?”  Isak was momentarily disoriented then getting his bearings asked for a beer.  He shook his head to clear it.  His dreams had been so vivid bringing all his feelings back to the fore.  His stomach churned and he nearly came to tears in his sudden remembrance of his grief.

 

Yet here he was, on a plane headed to California, broken up from the man of his dreams.  He wondered whether Even ever responded to his text.  He couldn’t check until they stopped on layover in New York.

 

He was handed a cold beer and took a long pull.  It was refreshing.  He sighed contemplating his future thinking he should start looking forward, stop dwelling on the past and what could no longer be his life.  Isak should be excited for this new adventure.  He rolled the cold can against his forehead getting a strange look from his seatmate.  Nosy Sue, he decided to call her in his head.  He chuckled to himself watching her eyes widen.

 

They landed in New York to change planes for the last leg to San Francisco Airport.  He had two hours between flights and decided to find a corner in one of the many bars where he could charge his phone and laptop.  He ordered a beer and a sandwich plate and turned his phone on.  There were texts from Jonas and Magnus, none from Even.  With a sigh he read the texts from his two friends chuckling at Magnus’ encouragement to get laid as soon as possible.

 

Magnus: _Dude, you are moving to queer heaven!! The City, the Castro OMG the Castro!!  If you can’t get laid there I don’t know what to tell you!_

 

Jonas: _Agree with M go get your dick wet!!  Love ya!_

 

Isak smiled at his silly well-meaning friends.  The subtext, of course, is get over Even.  His name did not come up so he still had no insight into what was going on with him.

 

He was two beers in when he got a notification that his flight had been delayed another two hours.  _What the hell,_ he thought and ordered another beer, playing games on his phone. 

 

Against his better judgement he started scrolling through old pictures and Instagram posts.  God Even was beautiful, Isak growing ever more maudlin as he drank his fourth (and last) beer and gazed with wonder at his former lover.  His phone pinged with an update that his flight was ready to board.  Feeling pretty drunk he managed to get to his seat and discovered he had the row to himself.  He dug his phone out of his pocket to turn it off when a final text came through…it was from Even.

 

Even: _Thanks for the text.  I knew about your plans.  Hey, please don’t text me anymore.  I’m in a relationship.  Good luck in California._

 

Isak wished to hell he hadn’t drunk so much, he was stunned that Even had moved on so quickly.  He stretched out across the three seats covering himself as best he could with the thin blanket and let the tears quietly flow.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even comes to a reckoning

Even

 

Even lay curled up in a ball in his lonely apartment wrapped up in Isak’s duvet.  He was gone by now, so Even never had a chance to make things right because he fell apart a few days before Isak left for California.

His heart ached, all his feelings dulled by the massive depression weighing him down.  He could barely move.

He had been so cruel to Isak out of pique.  What kind of man was he who could hurt another so easily?

He took Isak for granted assuming he would stay in Oslo and attend UiO.  He’s almost certain Isak would have stayed had he not been such a screw up.  It’s doubtful Even realized how many options Isak had available because he really wasn’t that interested in any of the alternatives despite Isak showing him acceptance letters and scholarships from as far away as California in the States.  He knew his boyfriend was smart, a near genius, but his focus was on their lives together.

Even had ambitions to be a film director and had been accepted to the film program at UiO.  He was also accepted at Bergen but had put no foreign country applications in, unlike Isak.  He was comfortable living with Isak really at peace for once and finally happy that he was reconciling with his Bakka friends.

He sighed adjusting the duvet and wrapping himself up like a burrito turning on his other side.

He hadn’t been honest with Isak about his Bakka past, especially what happened with Mikael, and he was paying the price for his deception.  He just didn’t want to relive his shame; Isak knew about his bipolar disease and it made no difference to him but he was unaware of Even’s behavior and what caused the rift with his friends.  He believed his relationship with Isak was solid, so in love was he with Isak. They were comfortable talking through many issues, just not Bakka.

Even didn’t realize the extent to which his secret was putting a strain on their relationship.  He wasn’t paying attention to Isak’s feelings, ignoring him or getting irritated whenever it was brought up. They weren’t as intimate in bed, Isak was holding back and this was not helping things.  Sex became rare.

That night at the bar was the first time in nearly a year Even and Mikael had truly talked since the Bakka debacle. Youssef had set it up with help from Sana who was also close to Isak.  She had a feeling the secrets were getting to Isak so she convinced Mikael through Youssef it was time to clear the air. Unfortunately, things went sideways.

It was very important to Even that they move on because he missed their friendship as well as that of the others, Elias, Youssef, Mutta and Adam.  They had been so tight, he’d been like part of a family until that night when he ruined everything.

The talk with Mikael was going well.  Even relaxed more as each minute passed, laughing at the stories Mikael reminded him of from their joint past.  Even was glowing with happiness.  Mikael had moved beyond any feelings he had about the kissing incident and truly wanted to rekindle their friendship.  Mikael invited him to dinner at Elias’s home, a Friday tradition he had sorely missed. He briefly thought it might be time for Isak to meet the boys but he wasn’t ready to share them until he was on solid footing with the boys again.

Even was so very happy, suddenly reminded, however, that he was supposed to be with Isak.  He turned around scanning for him and he was nowhere to be found.  This annoyed Even until he caught the searing look from Jonas.  Something was up and he began to worry.  He checked his phone.  The message he got from Isak infuriated him.  Why couldn’t Isak just enjoy himself with his buddies, why did he need to leave?  The message from Jonas was brutal.  He chose not to follow and continued his chat with Mikael.

***

Isak never stayed another night in their apartment after the incident at the club.  Even did not take Isak’s hurt seriously despite his staying with Jonas and was slightly put out by his overly emotional reaction to Mikael, putting it off to too much beer.  It wasn’t until the next day he realized the extent of his screw up. Despite his growing worry, he didn’t reach out to Isak to reassure him or be honest in any way.  His obstinacy ultimately led to Isak moving out. Finally, it dawned on him he’d pushed Isak too far.  He began to spiral, turned off his phone and crawled into their (now his) bed.

Even receives a text from Isak.  It breaks him.  Was it always Isak’s plan to go to California and leave him behind?  Was the Mikael situation just a pretext to break up with him?  He didn’t really believe that in his soul but let his anger rule his better judgement when he responded to Isak’s text.  _Let him wallow a bit…let him think I’ve moved on when my heart is breaking…_

***

Even’s pillow was wet with tears even in sleep.  He felt a hand stroke his forehead he startled, lifted his head up then crashed it back down when he realized it wasn’t Isak as he hoped but Sonia.  He was overwhelmed with disappointment.  Liv, his mom was just behind Sonia holding fresh clothes and towels.

“Sonia” he croaked, having not spoken to anyone in days “Why are you here?”

“Helping Liv, it’s too much for her to care for you alone.” _Thanks for making me feel like a child_ , he thought.

“Let’s get you up and moving.” She said briskly, trying to unwind the duvet from around Even but he was holding fast.

“I can get myself up!” He snapped resisting her efforts.

“You stink, you need to shower” Sonia tugged at the corner of the duvet to no avail.

“Get the fuck out of my room I don’t need a nursemaid” Even rolled over so his back faced them.

“Sonia, go away.  Mom, thank you but leave me be.”  They both answered “no” simultaneously and sharply.

“Then get the hell out and let me get myself up on my own.”  They finally pulled back out of his room quietly closing the door.

Even turned stretching out on his back, staring at the ceiling.  He realized he was badly depressed but this wasn’t a typical depression cycle.  He just lost the love of his life through his own stupidity with no viable way to get him back.  He threw off the duvet and stripped off his smelly clothes. 

Standing naked in the bedroom that until a few weeks ago he shared with Isak made this real.  He was woozy from lack of food; his phone had died which is probably why Sonia and Liv arrived unannounced hoping not to find a rotting carcass.

He shuffled to the shower across the hallway unashamed of his nakedness carrying one of the fluffy towels Liv brought over.  If they were watching him from the living room they got a show, yeah so maybe he was feeling a little passive-aggressive.

The hot water spray felt wonderful and he liberally coated his body with soap and scrubbed himself raw.  He put mounds of coconut shampoo in his too long hair and scrubbed equally hard, as if he was trying to scrub Isak off his skin. He shaved the few whiskers from his chin and brushed and flossed to perfection.

Even began to wake as from a coma and felt hunger for the first time in a while as he toweled himself off.  So as to avoid another show, he modestly wrapped the towel around his waist on his trek back to his bedroom.  He took a hard look around the room and knew he would be unable to stay here.  He would ask Liv if he could stay temporarily at his parent’s home until he could find another place.  He knew the answer would be yes.

He donned the clothes proffered by Liv brushed his hair slicked back, took a deep sigh and headed for the kitchen knowing Sonia and Liv were busy cooking him a big meal.

In the meantime, he would look deep inside his soul to discover why he ruined the most perfect relationship he could ever have and if he could do anything to fix it.  Was it too late?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even break up, Isak decides it's best to move far away to California. His life will never be the same

Isak de-planed in San Francisco and glanced at his phone still on Oslo time.  It was still September 21, 21:21.  Sigh, it was the last opportunity he gave Even to reach out to him.  He supposed he no longer meant anything to Even.  Not wanting to wallow, he stuck his phone in his pocket. 

 

He looked around in wonder at the massive international airport terminal, humming with activity.  Oslo airport was nice but this was huge!

 

Isak followed the sign to the baggage claim, fortunately in multiple languages and helpful icons.  Here he would meet transportation to Campus.

 

Out of the corner of his eye he spotted a white placard emblazoned with UC Berkeley.  This must be the bus that would take foreign students to campus.  He brought only carry on, shipping the rest and ordering through the campus store for other needs such as bedding and school supplies.  Got to love technology!

 

His phone pinged.  His stomach clenched only to be disappointed. It was his father:

_Isak, I am so proud that you have made it to a prestigious university! I have not been the best of fathers but I hope you will give me a second chance! Love, Papa_

Isak teared up, after all he had been through he needed to feel someone still cared for him:

_Hi Papa, thank you I am grateful for your support.  I will always try and make you proud of me.  I will update you regularly.  Let me know how Mama is doing._

He prayed earnestly that this time Papa would be there for him and his Mom.

 

He trudged forward towards the man holding the placard.  He was elegantly attired in a black suit but sported dusty trainers and a very unflattering bowl cut hair do.  He smiled at the man, holding up his passport and UC credentials.

The man gave him a toothy grin and pointed out the bus.

 

Isak stood in the queue to board, curious about his fellow international students.  They were all so different from him, African, Asian, Spanish and many other nationalities.  In a way this inspired him, that all these students like him from around the world had chosen Berkeley, a famed university in which to further their education.

 

Communication, given their various native languages, was somewhat limited; most speaking in broken English waving their arms to be understood as they attempted to introduce themselves to their near neighbors once seated on the bus.  A few were quite fluent. Isak realized it would probably take most of first year for him to be comfortable speaking English, or American English which was quite different from its UK counterpart.

 

He was charmed by the eagerness of his fellow students as he scanned the group, those he could see from his vantage point on the bus and wondering who could turn out to be a friend.

His phone pinged again.  Could it be Even? He slowly turned the phone over squinting at the message.  No, it wasn’t Even but it was about as close as you could get; his mother Liv left a goodbye message: _Isak, my sweet boy, I’m sad to see you go but I know you will do well.  Come home to us when you can, Love to you from all._

 

Isak sniffled at the message wiping a tear.  Liv, she was an angel and he loved her so much, often wishing she was his real mom.  She was devoted to Even throughout his illness so Isak wondered about her timing and whether Even knew she texted him.  He thought it was doubtful.  He let his head roll back against the chair tossed back and forth a bit and tried to nap but his inner turmoil was intense.

 

Despite it all Isak managed to doze for a bit until he felt the bus brake to a stop.  He opened his bleary eyes, still unused to the time change feeling like it should be the dead of night. He shook his head to clear it and took in the vista outside his bus window.  It was an amazing sight.

 

They were on Telegraph Hill, just climbing the incline and entering the campus but the vista was the entire San Francisco Bay laid out before him on a crystal-clear afternoon.  He was entranced; used to the beauty of the fjords of Norway, this was a different kind of beauty. Three bridges that he could see, including the iconic Golden Gate Bridge in the distance, linked the North, East and South Bay.  Blue to blue-green waters dotted with sailing boats.  He wanted to be out on the water as soon as he was settled.

 

All along the drive were funky shops done up in bright colors selling clothing, food, USED BOOKS (he’d be heading there soon) someone playing a guitar with dreadlocks down his back.  All of this was so new but so exciting!

 

He was startled from his reverie by whom he presumed to be the leader of the group of students.  He wore a blue T-shirt emblazoned in gold with “UC Berkeley – Orientation Leader” and held tightly to a clip board. He spoke English giving instructions presumably to get them to where they needed to be.  Isak strained to follow along.  His seatmate, to whom he had paid little attention handed him a paper with instructions in multiple languages.  He sighed and smiled at his hopefully new friend when he found the Norwegian section.

 

“Isak” he pointed to himself feeling foolish. “Norsk”

 

“Deiter,” his seatmate declared clapping at his chest “Deustch”.  He was a very large blond with straw blonde hair, very blue eyes and a wide grin, obviously a friendly sort that Isak, knowing some German, could communicate with.  He was reminded of Magnus whom he suddenly missed deeply.

 

They talked, using broken English and some German determining they would both be in the foreign student dorms. 

 

“So, we can meet for meals?” Deiter asked brightly to which Isak nodded, happy to have made his first friend.

 

“We can check our rooms and make sure we eat at the same time.”  Isak responded.

 

The bus made the wide turn onto campus, Isak amazed at the beauty of the majestic trees surrounding the school buildings.  He saw a sign for “Administration” and knew he’d be spending some time there.  They continued down the campus road noting that there were already many students moving about.  Isak was for the first time since he embarked on this journey, to attend university outside of Norway beyond exhilarated.  He was convinced he’d made the right choice.

 

Isak was overwhelmed with the sights, Deiter chatted amiably in broken English beside him as he took in everything.  His phone pinged once again.  His breath hitched, Deiter noticed as Isak pulled out his phone. 

 

“Girlfriend?”  Deiter asked.  Now or never, thought Isak.

 

“Maybe my ex-boyfriend” he responded in his bad English.

 

“Ach OK” said Deiter, not missing a beat.  “You will be very happy near The City.”  Isak didn’t focus on Deiter’s comment simply checked his message.  It was Jonas. 

 

Disappointed yet again, he read the message:

Jonas: _Are you arrived yet??  Send me a pic!  When can I come visit? Magnus wants to come too!_

Isak: _We are almost to the student housing and I will let you know when to visit once I’m settled.  Here’s a pic of my new friend Deiter, looks (and acts) a lot like Magnus._

Isak looked over at Deiter and pointed his phone at him.

“Smile!”  Deiter gave him a wide grin and a little wave as he snapped a pic.

Magnus: _I’m jealous!!_

Isak laughed out loud, showing Deiter the message, translating for him and he laughed along.

 

The bus rolled to a stop in front of the student dorms.  The new foreign students scrambled to gather their gear as the student leader valiantly attempted to give them last minute instructions as to next steps.

 

It was pretty obvious; there was a line of tables with eager student orientation leaders clad in their blue and gold shirts ready to help them acclimate, handing out packets of information and ID cards.  Little placards called out various languages.  Deiter headed towards “Deutsche” and Isak headed to “Norsk”.  Isak prayed they would end up in the same building.

 

He queued up behind a tiny contingent of Norwegians, none of whom he recognized from back home.  All were taller than the general student population, men as well as women which gave him comfort as he’d felt like a giant among the other students.

The line moved quickly and soon he was asked in crisp Norwegian, “Name?” a very attractive and gorgeously tan blonde man asked.  Hmmm…. was all Isak could think until he was nudged from behind.

 

“Um Isak Valterson” He blushed a bit as the student leader busily searched for his packet and ID.

 

“Here it is, Isak.” Mr.  Super Cute student leader smiled at him as he handed over the materials and gave his standard speech.

 

“The package includes your ID, room key and room number.  Your ID will let you in for meals so don’t lose it!”  Mr. Super Cute gave him a brilliant smile.

 

“We will have a Norwegian student meet and greet on Monday in Sproul cafeteria at 6:00pm, get used to western time or you’ll show up too early. Make sure you come and meet the others.  By the way, I’m Julian.”  Isak stared at his extended hand before quickly reaching out and giving it a quick shake.  Oh my God, thought Isak, this guy is s-o-o-o ho-o-o-o-o-o-t!

 

Isak clutched tightly to his materials and looked around for Deiter, spying him as he wandered away from his table. He waved frantically and Deiter made his way over to him.

 

“Are you in block A?”  Deiter looked in his folder and confirmed not only that but they were on the same floor.

 

“Should we go check out our rooms?” 

 

“Dah” Deiter looped an arm around him and the two headed towards the dorm.

 

Isak found all the items he had ordered online wrapped in a big plastic cube.  Mostly bedding and school supplies.  Apparently, he had a roommate who had yet to show up.  He knew it would be a foreign student, just not what nationality.  He cut the plastic off and proceeded to get his bed made.  There was also a box of clothing and supplies he had shipped himself so he took some time to arrange and put these away as well.

 

He took a moment and lay down on his freshly made bed, reflecting on the whirlwind day he had just been through.  He was happy that his father and friends remembered him but he still held out a small hope that Even would reach out but alas, it was not to be.  It made him sad even though he was the one to break their relationship off.  It almost confirmed his thinking that there was someone else.  He started to doze off when he heard a sharp rap at the door.

 

“Isak?”  It was Deiter.  He leapt up and opened the door to his smiling face. 

 

“Are you ready to face the cafeteria?”  Isak laughed.  “Sure, let’s go.”

 

He forgot his phone on the bed so he missed the next message and wouldn’t receive it until the next day.


End file.
